[00:00:00] I don't talk about what broke in me when my dad died. I haven't talked about it. And that's significant to know because I've had a therapist for nine or ten months consecutively. Anyway, I wanna share some things that I probably should ask permission.
[00:00:34] But I like to keep in mind the purpose of all of this is to get it out of my head. Over the years, I've figured out when I have a thought that pops up over and over again, and it is like a, it's like a, like a song in my head, then I have to get it out. I have to get it out of my body, figuratively.
[00:01:20] It's the definition. It's a visual definition of, uh, a metaphorical definition of catharsis.
[00:01:31] But my dad died, then I had more questions about his, his experience with fatherhood.
[00:01:44] And we were covering a lot. We were covering a lot. I've been angry about it. I've been isolating.
[00:01:59] I've been isolating from, from everybody. New people, familiar people, family, friends. I'm safe. I'm safe inside my home. I'm safe from causing any damage to anybody else or being disruptive to anybody else because of how angry I am.
[00:02:31] I can't lose my cool at a doctor's visit if I don't have to leave home. I can't lose my, I can't lose my cool with my kids if, uh, you know, if they're not around me. At least they won't be, they won't be damaged, right? I've acknowledged the anger, but I haven't talked about why. Why it's there. Why has it felt...
[00:03:05] why has all of it felt so wrong?
[00:03:09] I haven't talked about what all of it is, and I gotta get it out of my head. My dad and my stepmom, very devout Christians.
[00:03:25] And my ideas about what church is supposed to be started before I moved to Alabama. I remember going to the church that my grandfather was a minister at in Hartford, Connecticut. I remember running through the yard, the big yard of that church. It felt gigantic. It had hedges along the center walkway, and it, it was kind of, it was more of like a, a decorated courtyard.
[00:04:11] And every now and then, there were little gaps in between, you know. So if we were running, if we were playing tag or whatever we was playing, you know, there were little gaps in between the hedges that you could run through, you know.
[00:04:31] But, uh,
[00:04:35] church always seemed like a, something for grown-ups and, uh, you know, we were brought along as kids. You know, the concept of children's church, that's new. That's a new thing as far as, as far as Black churches. That's relatively new.
[00:05:01] But, um,
[00:05:05] my parents served in a lot of churches.
[00:05:10] And that was, that was a fun period of my childhood, you know, going to the different places. At one of them, I, I got to play drums. This elder taught me his, uh, his drum playing style, you know. It was a small church too. We drove to Bessemer from Newcastle. I, I don't remember exactly how long the drive was, but it was, it was at least 30 minutes.
[00:05:44] And the congregation never had more than like 15 people, you know, and, and it was families. They were families. But my parents were ministering to people everywhere. and eventually it just kinda seemed like they would, they really would go anywhere.
[00:06:14] After I graduated and went off to the military,
[00:06:21] they would still be
[00:06:27] going to different churches for certain periods of time. They were still, you know, still
[00:06:35] dedicated. But I'm saying these things to kinda just paint a picture of what I, what I observed starting from the beginning. My dad bought me a Bible before, before he got saved, right? I was 11 years old. Got me a Bible with my name on it. I still had it. And he was still, you know, beers and parties and whatnot.
[00:07:06] But, um, I think also, though, he was sometimes reading his Bible. There was a period of time where I was going to church with my grandmother. And it was those, those periods when I first got here, when I first moved to Alabama, ages nine to about 12 or 13, I think. I think my dad started preaching when I was 12 or 13.
[00:07:35] I'm not gonna remember those dates very well, just roughly. But anyway,
[00:07:44] my ideas, my idea of what church was is that church was the place that people in the neighborhood came, right? To make sure they, to, to, to make sure they knew who each other were in the neighborhood. who has a baby now, and whose, whose child is getting ready to go off to whatever, right? and You know, the people who needed to be prayed for, the people who needed to be picked up so they could be brought to church.
[00:08:21] You know what I mean? Like we knew about those things because everybody, because the people in the neighborhood went to that church. That's what I, that's what I understood church was, right? The place you could walk to. That's how it started. And then somehow I, I started to understand because of how much my parents went to, went and ministered at churches that weren't in the neighborhood.
[00:08:51] They did start at Eastern Star. They did start in my neighborhood, right? I used to sing in the choir. But eventually, because of me observing them do that, I thought, "Oh, okay, I guess you, you go wherever, wherever the ministry needs you." Right?
[00:09:14] but it always seemed wrong. I... There's a better way to say that.
[00:09:25] There was something that didn't seem right about not going to the church in your neighborhood.
[00:09:37] And, and it wasn't just, it wasn't just my parents, you know, it was, it was other older people too, right? They started going to church in, in a, in a much richer neighborhood or a much richer city, right? They had to get on the highway to, to go to church. I, and I just... That conflicted with what I understood the purpose of church to be, right?
[00:10:11] How are we--
[00:10:15] How, how do you pay tithes? How do you take your hard-earned money and pay it to a group of people who are much more rich than you, and then the church over the hill is deteriorating or, uh, can barely fill up the seats? I, uh,
[00:10:42] I'm just expressing to you, I, I hope this doesn't sound like judgment. I don't want it-- It's not judgment. It's not judgment. It's observation. and my response to it is something that, uh, it, it's just, it's unique to me This is how me observing this makes me feel.
[00:11:06] Something that's probably been kept in the family is the fact that we didn't have money to bury my dad. We had the option, what we could afford was, uh-- We, and, and not even, not even we. My stepmom
[00:11:35] had to cover his, Dad's cremation.
[00:11:42] Which, which matches right. It make, it makes complete sense. It, I mean, it, it, it matches who my parents were, right? Funerals, caskets, whatever. Caskets, th-this, you know, they... Whatever ridiculous prices they cost now is just, is insane. Anyway,
[00:12:09] the church that my parents went to,
[00:12:16] the church that I had, I had visited them at this church. It's really nice. It's not in their neighborhood. It's in a city next door. City that's associated with old money in Alabama. Old money. There are a lot of people that have money in this city. I went to high school with a lot of their children and grandchildren.
[00:12:50] And here's a, here's a fun fact. One of my buddies from track is also one of the three people who are, uh, uh, including me, who are the three people in my, my high school graduating class who are the youngest in our class. But we also ran track. I remember he, he, uh, his sixteenth, sixteenth birthday.
[00:13:23] He came to school with a new Lexus coupe. It was a SC300, and it was nice. It was so pretty. Leather seats. I think it had a sunroof. Um- And I remember being really happy. Like, dang, dude, you know, this thing is nice. And it was nice.
[00:13:57] But that was, that, that event
[00:14:09] and me...
[00:14:11] I'm trying to filter myself and it's interrupting the flow of my thoughts. So let's just... I'm gonna take a breath. I'm gonna take a water and just, uh, stop thinking about what I'm saying and just talk.
[00:14:28] I'm not cutting any of this out by the way. This is, this is exactly how I'm existing in this moment, water and all, creaky floor and all.
[00:14:42] And by the way, that floor was creaky before I moved in, and it still makes me feel like I'm on, like, 600 Pound Life, so I try to avoid walking in that area. Anyway,
[00:15:01] it would occur to me later that
[00:15:09] it was amazing to me, amazing, that his family is at a level of success where not only can they buy him a car on his sixteenth birthday.
[00:15:34] But that they can buy a brand new car, and that car is a Lexus brand car.
[00:15:47] We go to the same school. We're friends. We joke, got the same sense of humor, right? We both skinny, right?
[00:16:02] But there was no world where my dad, my parents were gonna be able to buy me a car. I worked at
[00:16:13] for $4.35 an hour and saved enough money to buy a Lemon for $901.56. After the taxes, that's exactly what I paid for it. It's a figure that's seared into my brain. That car, that car ran for three weeks, and I...
[00:16:45] God, I probably saved money for at least ten months. At least ten months. But I hope that story paints the picture of the difference in, in household incomes between my neighborhood and the neighborhood next door, where the church is that my parents went to. Big, pretty church. Beautiful church.
[00:17:27] And the way I think about church doesn't match with what I observed. For example, my parents... My parents' home shouldn't have any issues. N-no, no, no problem with, with plumbing or insulation, right? any, anything you can think of.
[00:18:06] Sinks, cabinets, flooring, carpeting. My mom didn't want,
[00:18:21] she didn't want us to take our shoes off
[00:18:26] because the carpet, the carpet needed to be replaced.
[00:18:30] Right. So we wouldn't like, you know, I guess mess up our socks. But
[00:18:39] the way this city, the way this neighborhood, this other neighborhood where this church is had money, I know there were people there Who were connected to contractors, who were connected to plumbers, right? Who were connected to people that build houses professionally.
[00:19:05] And the way my, my parents still poured into
[00:19:16] the people in that church.
[00:19:19] The way my, my parents poured into Christian people,
[00:19:28] they should've been way more taken care of.
[00:19:33] The days following the service, people did come by and bring food, and some of them were people from the church.
[00:19:49] But most of them were, most of them were people from New Castle. People who, who were at the funeral too. But, um,
[00:20:03] I remember someone from the church bringing a stack of pizzas. And at the time I'm, you know, I've got on my, I've got on one of my facades. The one that goes to a place of gratitude when I need it, when I need to feel a more positive emotion than what I'm feeling. Right? Think about something to be grateful for.
[00:20:37] Think about everything you have, right? 'Cause I've been hearing that since I was a kid. Think about everything you do have, right?
[00:20:49] So I accepted the pizzas. I even ate some pizza. Pizza's good.
[00:20:57] But
[00:21:00] my mom having to pay for my dad's funeral on a credit card, having to pay for my dad being cremated on a credit card doesn't match with the level of, of devotion I saw those two people give to Christians.
[00:21:32] And I haven't talked about what broke in me when my dad died, because I don't know how to say these things out loud.
[00:21:49] You're not supposed to say these things out loud. You're supposed to be grateful for what you do have, right? The, the, the energy you give to someone, the prayers you do for them, the, the time you give to them is, is a gift. You're not supposed to expect anything in return, right? That's how the religion goes.
[00:22:19] You're not supposed to expect anything in return.
[00:22:23] I'll always have a problem with that.
[00:22:27] And I came to the conclusion eventually that
[00:22:34] maybe there is a more pure form of the religion of Christianity.
[00:22:47] Maybe there's a more pure form than what I've seen here.
[00:22:55] In this example with my dad.
[00:23:00] But instead of me, instead of me seeking it out, instead of me looking for it, I just abandon it.
[00:23:13] Because I'm disgusted. I'm angry, and I'm disgusted.
[00:23:19] There were times when I drove home before I got married and had the kids. There were time I'd drive home and stay home for a few days and, uh, and I would, I would wake before the sun was up, use the bathroom. This is after plenty of my deployment, so I was still doing like 6-hour sleeps, you know. But, I would wake up and hear
[00:23:55] my mom praying for someone in the other room.
[00:24:02] Praying, speaking good things on someone else. I couldn't understand exactly what was being said, but I could always hear enough to know that, oh, she's, she's praying. She's praying for someone on the phone. It was a regular thing.
[00:24:24] Like someone... Jesus. Can you imagine?
[00:24:35] Can you imagine someone who
[00:24:42] Imagine someone who can give that much, who can volunteer
[00:24:53] to give that, send that much goodwill to someone else. Imagine that person having to max out a credit card to bury her husband. My parents didn't just go to this church. They didn't just go to any church and sit in the pews. When they went to these churches, they got a job. They came to do something. It was either stand in the pulpit, it was sing in the choir, or both.
[00:25:38] They served Christian people.
[00:25:43] I'm worried that nothing will reconcile this for me in my thoughts about this version of Christianity that I've experienced
[00:26:00] But you can't say these things out loud. I...
[00:26:06] When I
[00:26:10] begin to tell my grandmother about my problems, about the things I'm thinking,
[00:26:21] her response is to pray, to pray, to pray.
[00:26:31] "Are you praying? Are you, you saying your prayers every day?"
[00:26:36] And I'm truthful. " I talk to Him every now and then," is what I say.
[00:26:47] I talk somewhere.
[00:26:51] But I, I gotta be honest, because these thoughts are just, these thoughts are just sitting here festering. And, and
[00:27:09] I wanna believe there's a reason that so much that's just needlessly hard. I like the idea of believing that there's streets paved in gold, right? and like angel music and, you know, and after we, after we leave here. I like that thought too.
[00:27:42] But some of us seem to get two heavens.
[00:27:53] and what I mean by that is s- some people
[00:27:59] Get to have their riches in this life too. and, and it seems a lot less difficult for them to have more. How can you sit side by...
[00:28:21] I... It's become
[00:28:25] very uncomfortable to sit side by side
[00:28:31] with people
[00:28:39] who seem to not have things as hard,
[00:28:44] and seem to not be willing to part with how much they have, so that everyone, everyone here, everyone in the room, everyone in the building, can prosper at the same level.
[00:29:03] I just... I can't. I'm exhausted from pretending.
[00:29:16] And part of my isolation,
[00:29:21] I think, is that I don't want to pretend to be happy.
[00:29:27] _' This weather is crazy, right? I swear the, the seasons are changing.'_
[00:29:35] I don't...
[00:29:41] There are certain things I don't even wanna, I don't wanna observe jokes about.
[00:29:50] I don't even wanna talk about church.
[00:29:53] I'm dis- I'm disgusted by
[00:29:59] rich, well-to-do, wealthy people leading poor people
[00:30:11] without actually helping the poor people elevate.
[00:30:17] You mean in this big, in this gigantic, gorgeous church with two floors? When a church has two floors- They, they made it. That's a big church, at least in the South.
[00:30:34] There was no one in that congregation who was a life insurance agent. There was no one who was a property developer, or part of a property development group, or even led a, a, a, a team of contractors or a company, you know, that... there's no reason the level that my parents labored and loved Christian people, that anything in their house should have been falling apart.
[00:31:13] and I, I wonder about that. I have questions. I have questions that I, that I'm, I'm probably never gonna ask, right? I wanna ask questions like, "Well, did y'all ever ask the church for help?" Or did, you know, "Did y'all ask if, you know... Did you ask..." Right. Right. And I, I stop those thoughts because a bigger thought says they shouldn't have had to ask.
[00:31:45] They really shouldn't have had to ask. It's insane.
[00:31:53] I'm just... It's insane, and I'm so upset about it.
[00:32:02] That's my relationship with Christianity as I've observed it, and it's upsetting. And it's a little bit scary
[00:32:26] 'cause with all these years, I haven't educated myself on any other religion, any other spiritual practice.
[00:32:35] It's the only one that my, my family recognizes. It's the only one we can talk about as far as I know. Um, so that's a, that's a lonely ass feeling.
[00:32:53] What I know is I don't like what I've seen. I don't like what I've personally observed about it.
[00:33:05] I get a postcard in the mail from that church every, every couple months.
[00:33:12] And I laugh
[00:33:18] because that's a better emotion than, than the negative one that I wanna feel.
[00:33:26] I laugh like this must be... This must be their version of, of pranking me. Right?
[00:33:44] And the joke is, of course, they don't-- they're not thinking about that. If the church was, was organized in a way that elevated everyone there, especially the people on the team,
[00:34:03] everybody would... I'm just gonna say my parents' house would be in a lot better shape.
[00:34:09] I wonder what happens if you reach that third phase of your life and you're only familiar with one, one version of spirituality.
[00:34:26] maybe you have to, you have to believe it's the right one.
[00:34:32] You have to,
[00:34:39] no matter how your life has turned out.
[00:34:43] I don't know. I, I honestly don't know if...
[00:34:51] I don't know if this helps me the way I thought it would.
[00:34:58] But if I post it, that means I still want it to be available among the things that my children have access to.
[00:35:11] About their dad and his thoughts on this day.
[00:35:20] I should ask for permission to share these things, but I won't. I won't because I'm a coward.
[00:35:35] If I ask permission, then I'm gonna have to talk about it, and I don't wanna talk about it. I'm not there yet to be able to talk about it. But this, this method right here seems...
[00:35:56] This way is easier.
[00:36:00] This is just storytelling. I don't have to talk about it directly. And I need to, I need to feel avoidant right now. I'm leaning all the way in.
[00:36:19] It's a compulsion that I'm leaning into:
[00:36:29] avoiding challenging moments
[00:36:35] with other people.
[00:36:43] I, I never wanna mess up someone's good time. There's not a lot of, there's not a lot of good moments. There's not a lot of good moments as there are unfortunate moments. And if someone believes something, if someone wants to believe in something that gives them those moments of joy,
[00:37:19] then I'm robbing them of that,
[00:37:24] from my perspective.
[00:37:27] I'm still that kid inside of here.
[00:37:32] I want everybody to have a good time
[00:37:37] This is easier for me.
[00:37:41] This is just writing. This is just storytelling. It's easy
