It’s not real that my brother is dead.
Transcript
[00:00:01] March 31st, 2026, my brother had his 37th birthday
[00:00:13] Tonio my only brother
[00:00:19] Jus got the one
[00:00:23] Kind of blew it a little bit, if I’m being honest. We’ll call that foreshadowing
[00:00:32] March 31st of 1990, my brother turned one years old, and 13 days after that
[00:00:49] His big brother moved to Alabama
[00:00:54] It’s very likely my brother does not have a period of in his memory where his brother wasn’t a part of his life
[00:01:13] If you see his baby pictures, infancy up until early toddler, being able to walk. By the way, he was walking by the time I got here. He was already one years old. He always had a bib
[00:01:28] Look at the pictures and you will see my brother, my brother always had a bib on ’cause he never closed his mouth.
[00:01:39] So he was one of those drooling kids, right? He just, that was just his expression. And, you know, you don’t think anything of it. That’s just what it is. When you pick him up, if you grab him around the front, your hand might get wet.
[00:01:59] He eventually closed his mouth though. He, he did not become a mouth breather. You know what I mean? But, those hips, man. So my, my, my memories of my, my brother, you know, always take him back to that kid who had this really square fade. somebody was cutting his hair in, in a nice little fade, right?
[00:02:28] So all of his, all of his pictures, you know, after toddler-hood or early ages is that flat top, that same flat top, and that same chin that’s on McKinley’s face, my niece. But,
[00:02:47] I am nine years older than him, and you know, that’s huge for, children. Nine years difference towered over them. You can see that in photos, too. But, one Christmas, Tonio got two Power Wheels. One was Bigfoot, the blue monster truck, the famous pickup, and then one was a four-wheeler and we had so much fun with those boxes
[00:03:24] After my dad and Tonio’s mom got divorced, there wasn’t much furniture in the living room. And so we, we made clubhouses with those boxes. And, and you can imagine, two boys, one of them is nine years older than the other one. Of course, I tried to see if either of the boxes was tall enough for Tonio not to be able to look out.
[00:03:52] Of course. I didn’t keep him in there and torture him or nothing like that, But I had to see if like, if I stood this Bigfoot box up, would he be able to see? Like, could he get out? I had to see, you know. But, nah, he, he always was… He did not acknowledge his age, He was gonna try to do whatever the, the boys was doing.
[00:04:21] Every now and then, Darnell would come over, one of my, one of Tonio’s first cousins. And you know, he’s a, I think he’s about three years younger than me. Maybe two years. I forget, man, exactly. But, we was all into wrestling, So we would pretend to like enter the stage, Darnell loved Ultimate Warrior so much, man.
[00:04:46] He loved Ultimate Warrior so much. Eventually, you know, I got a Super Nintendo and one of the games I got was Royal Rumble and man, that’s all Tonio wanted to play. That was the one with, Undertaker, Tatanka, I think Hulk Hogan was in there, Macho Man maybe Yoko-. I forget what his name is, the Asian dude, I think he was in there too.
[00:05:22] Ted DiBiase, Razor Ramon was in there, But anyway, that’s all he wanted to play. It was a pretty, it’s a pretty cool game, You could play Royal Rumble, have a bunch of NPCs in there with you, and just really… At that time though, everything that Super Nintendo came out with just felt hot
[00:05:44] But, I moved down here, like I said, from I moved from Hartford, Connecticut, where I was with my mom, to Newcastle, Alabama, to live with my dad. This isn’t about me, but I think this next fun fact is pretty significant to the plot. But, nobody told me that it was permanent
[00:06:12] Nobody told me that I was moving to Alabama forever.
[00:06:19] I just, I just sorta eventually figured that out in fifth grade. You know, I came down here at like, in fourth grade, maybe with like five weeks left of fourth grade is when I moved. Yeah, in the middle of the year. That was bananas. But,
[00:06:34] nobody… Like bro, that’s pretty it, that’s pretty important detail. That’s probably more important than like what gate I’m supposed to go to in whatever airport. Like, hey, this is permanent, bro. This isn’t like that trip where you came down that summer when you were seven, when you, you came down with your aunt and her kids.
[00:06:57] ‘Cause I had, I had just visited Alabama two years before that. I came down with my cousins and my aunt. My oldest aunt my dad’s oldest the one who looked just like mom, just lighter skin
[00:07:21] But I, I found out I had a brother. I had known about Neil because I had visited those two years before, so I knew I had a sister
[00:07:35] And then I found out I had a brother that was dope. And he was rough. He was durable. Psh, it’s even better, I was a very outdoors kid, and he, he could keep up. He could keep up
[00:07:56] And some distance, some distance came between us
[00:08:02] It seemed to sh- it seemed to shrink and then get wide again
[00:08:09] It’s tough being nine years older and not feeling like, Feeling like it’s, it’s more your fault than your sibling for the distance
[00:08:29] I feel like I’m being unnecessarily cryptic. I feel like I’m I’m… It’s my fault that the distance is there, right? Because in my mind, if the distance weren’t there, if we were close enough to where he felt safe telling me any detail about his life he wants, if he felt close enough to me to do that, this wouldn’t be a surprise.
[00:09:09] This would not be so
[00:09:12] Devastating
[00:09:15] I didn’t tell the kids when I called them earlier. It’s Sunday. I didn’t tell him. I’m gonna tell him w- when I can hug him
[00:09:35] I feel like I’m being pressured to accept it. I feel pressured to accept it this is so ridiculous
[00:09:50] I’m, I’m not even
[00:09:54] I’m not, I’m not even healthy from that
[00:09:59] Getting there, you know what I mean? In your way
[00:10:06] We had fun with those boxes.
[00:10:11] Hours of fun with those boxes. I think at the time there was just a big couch in the living room, just the, just the sofa that
[00:10:24] Oh, man. It’s so cliche for the man to lose some significant set of furniture after the voice– after a divorce. and this is based on my own observations
[00:10:41] But it wasn’t much furniture
[00:10:45] I thought that, I thought he would follow me into the military. I, there was a period where I thought, “Oh, it was a, it’s a no-brainer.” But, we never, we never directly talked about it. And, Before I even, you know… I never did. I never just talk with him about it for like five minutes. Just talk with him about it directly. What’s your, what’s your reservations?
[00:11:22] He would have told me
[00:11:24] Hopefully I would’ve just did more listening, but who knows? I was a little more impulsive back then. But my, my point is I had plenty of opportunities to just, just talk with him for a few minutes about it, see where his head is at. But he, he was destined for family life really early, and so, he fell right into it he definitely fell into being a dad
[00:11:53] So there would be these, these conversations we have on the phone. And, within these, I say within these last four years, maybe a few more after my dad passed, but
[00:12:13] Like 95% of the topic of what we were discussing was McKinley
[00:12:24] It was McKinley. She, it w- it, it would be, he’d bring it right on back, And if, if he called me, it was something he needed to get off his chest, you know? And it was McKinley.
[00:12:41] And I even had to be like, “Hey man, I… she’s 18 now, so maybe, maybe she wouldn’t… I don’t know if she’d want you to tell me that, Tonio. You know? I may- maybe that’s, maybe that’s more information than I need, relative to my, my, uh, my position in the family,” what have you. No, but I, he just
[00:13:14] He played it right. He really played it right, man. He fell right into it. And I really got to see him go from one version of himself to the other. It was- a lot of time passing before we, we actually hung out while I was in the military. I was fixated on being as far away as I could really.
[00:13:48] I just, I don’t– I wanted the job to be, remain interesting, so I, I did. I did. I’m not apologizing for that
[00:14:00] Can I count it as five deployments if one of them was to Germany and two of them was to Al Udeid? Is that, is that five deployments or is it really two?
[00:14:15] I also went to, Djibouti, Camp Lemonnier if that’s the French way we’re supposed to say it. And, Prince Sultan Air Base in Saudi Arabia. Them dorms was tight. Man, them dorms was tight. They had day rooms at the corners with a intersecting point. I was … With a kitchenette. God. Recliners. That was a deployment.
[00:14:47] That’s … There’s somebody who’s not in the Air Force, like not taking this as a joke. Like, they probably feel personally attacked. But no, we did. We, the Air Force really lived good. I picked the right one, ’cause it was almost the Marines, and who knows what that would be. I’m a, I’m an obsessive person.
[00:15:17] I would’ve fell right into it. But I, I, I don’t feel like I would’ve been a person somebody would wanna breed with, if, what I think that timeline might realistically look like. But I thought he would follow me ah, man gosh, this would have been a messed up thing to say in church
[00:15:43] Black men are alone
[00:15:47] We are alone with our responsibilities
[00:15:55] We’re along with our health
[00:15:59] We’re along with our problems
[00:16:04] It can feel, you know, despair is the word that, that I think about
[00:16:11] And, and anybody can argue that, oh, there’s always people that are there to help you out. There’s always people that will… There always somebody to, “Hey, I’m right, I’m at a, I’m a phone call away,” “Oh, I can’t believe you didn’t hit me up,” you know?
[00:16:31] But you still feel like somewhere in their mind they know this man should be getting on his stuff, should be handling his stuff right now. He shouldn’t need no help. Shouldn’t even be in this phase, this state of mind. He should be on his stuff and even if that’s not what they really think, you as the man you still feel like there’s a small part of them that for a second judged you for needing help
[00:17:20] And I could be way off. But again, I, I can only speak about what’s personal to me
[00:17:29] My therapist feels like I should be farther along in my grief
[00:17:38] In my, my grieving, the loss of my dad, apparently there’s like phases, right? And I should be in the farther along phase. And she suggested at a recent session maybe we could go to an as-needed schedule on the calendar instead of, a every two weeks and, And I got that feeling. It’s like a, it’s like a s- it’s like a small prick when somebody…
[00:18:20] When I feel like somebody is for a second judging me for needing help
[00:18:30] And I could be way off, but this is what it feels like, right? And, and then I play a part, I play a part and that’s not a bad idea, but I feel like we should… I feel like it would be better to have them on the calendar, for my schedule, right? I say something like that to kinda throw her off the scent, because I can’t just say, “Nah, I think-” I think talking about it is, is helping and having it on the calendar
[00:19:15] allows me to plan around it, blah, blah, blah, you know which is all the, the right answers but you don’t say that
[00:19:29] We didn’t learn about depression
[00:19:33] When I was in church, I don’t remember one sermon or one message or
[00:19:43] Any, any lesson or anything, just no kind of material about, about depression. And I just, I can’t think of any group of people that would need therapy more than the descendants of slaves
[00:20:04] Feel weird explaining that
[00:20:09] But even when I was gonna get on a high horse and sorta complain about something the church didn’t have, a friend sent me a recording from a Zoom meeting where these, these, a group of women from our church are talking about grief, about grieving
[00:20:43] Man, that’s crazy timing because, oh, snap, here’s a Black church that’s already doing exactly what I was about to say Black churches need to do. Like I’ve been to every one of them. I, I get it. I get why I don’t have more friends. I, I have a lot of pretense in my, in the things I say. I get that
[00:21:11] But sure enough there’s these women talking about grief, and it’s already real that churches, some churches have figured it out. We need to be treating trauma like actively giving people ways to cope or else we just, a lot of us gonna be underwater, still coming to church for years and years and years not getting any, any better in their situations.
[00:21:54] Struggling
[00:21:58] But there it is. It’s already happening, which is beautiful
[00:22:03] I feel like I need to call this something, so I originally called it Lamentation I might not be pronouncing that right. It’s not everyday speech. I have to make an ex- I have to make an excuse in order to bring my self-esteem back up after a moment of embarrassment. It generally works. Thank God for the ADHD, right?
[00:22:31] It does have its, its strengths. How quickly you can just bounce away from the previous thought. How quickly you can just s- completely detach from what you were just thinking, like, .4 seconds ago. That’s a gift.
[00:22:47] But it’s all a performance
[00:22:52] And I’ll close with this, church I di- I didn’t realize it until my 40s that
[00:23:04] There was something that both of my parents seem to appreciate to the same level. So what I’m, what I’m saying in short is, I, my, my whole life up until this point, up until sometime in my 40s, I never saw what my parents had in common or liked about each other. I, I just, I don’t ever, I don’t have memories of ever seeing them in the same room.
[00:23:39] And, and the only, like, record of interactions, the records in my brain of, of them interacting was over a phone, and that always seemed a little contentious. So it’s just hard for me to wrap my head around, like, these people two… They, they just far away. They just far apart, clearly. I…
[00:24:05] There’s no chance I was planned. There’s no chance. I’m gonna have to bookmark that. That’s gonna be… That’s… I’m, I’ma somehow put that in a standup joke. And, uh, the under, under message underneath will be unplanned pregnancy, children born of unplanned pregnancies and, and self-esteem. But it’s gonna be wrapped in something funny.
[00:24:31] I’ma write that but I figured it out, right? And it turns out, well it’s one thing, but it’s kinda two things, right? Just happens to be something that I love to do myself. So singing along to music, right? Dancing to music. Two things that I’ve always done for as long as I can remember, and just, just come natural to me.
[00:25:02] And I’m, I’m not waiting on permission. If I can’t sing, I’ll whistle. You know what I mean? But like it’s always performing. But what it’s performing is, is different than… it’s not, it’s not a performance necessarily for an external audience, but it’s a performance of the mood you want to be in.
[00:25:30] I know that when I sing, whatever was going on in my head just now that was really putting me in a bad place, I know as soon as I start singing this song, this Stevie Wonder, this Teddy Pendergrass, this Sam Cooke, as soon as I start singing, I’m not gonna be thinking about those problems anymore.
[00:25:50] So let me hum this song, right? Or if the phone is in the room, let me tell Siri to play it. And then boom, song in my head is, is taking my, my problems away, right? But that’s what my parents both did. I have an early memory of my mom, of, of me sitting at the table, right? And, my mom is, like, washing dishes.
[00:26:16] I think I was eating. I might have been eating some, some, I was probably eating some, what do they call them? Cream of Wheat. I was big on that, right? But my mom is listening to the radio, and she’s singing along to Janet Jackson’s Miss You Much.
[00:26:33] I think that’s the title of the song, but, you know, it’s, “I miss you much, I think,” right? And my mom, right she’s at the, washing dishes at the sink, right? And she looks back, looks back at me over at the table, and she’s singing along to Janet Jackson and just, kinda sh- you know, doing her shoulders or whatever.
[00:26:55] Not really, like, dancing hard, but just, like, bopping, you know what I’m saying? And, I, I have more, uh, I have more memories of her smiling, so
[00:27:07] But, but anyway, my dad before he got saved, right, he would be singing along to Earth, Wind & Fire and and The Chi-Lites and Sam Cooke, it would be… You know, he had his secular music and what, and whatnot, but then when he got saved, he was still singing along and dancing, but now it was, “I was born to be a man, born to be a man.”
[00:27:38] I, I gotta figure out what that song was, but, And you used to listen to that, sing along to it. But anyway, now this is stuff I observed as, as a child, but I never put it together until, you know, whatever a- whatever age of 40. And then I was like, “That’s, yeah, that’s it.” Singing and dancing, right?
[00:28:02] Those are performances
[00:28:04] And what does my dad do? In addition to working full-time, right, he goes to be a minister. Performing
[00:28:17] But that’s what brought my parents together, I think. At least as, you know, based on my limited interaction of observing them together or, or near, right? I think that could only be it, right? They just both shared this appreciation for performance I used to watch a lot of movies with my mom. My dad watched a lot of movies too.
[00:28:46] He even recorded some on the, blank VHS, And my granddad did too but anyway, That’s what it was with my, with my parents and,
[00:28:58] I don’t think I’m, I’ve ever not performed. This is a performance. All right? I’m pretending enough that this, this is okay. Like, this is real. This is really happening. I’m, I’m even pretending like this is gonna help. It might, you know. If it, if it goes viral, I get that… Is that dopamine? Is that the one that you get from the pats on the back I mean it’s like winning a ice cream cone though, you know?
[00:29:39] That joy will be gone in a few minutes
[00:29:43] For me, maybe it does. Maybe it does help talking about it I, I think, if I think it’s this way, then it is this way. Nobody can really argue. But I’m, I’m responsible for the distance. it, it’s, it’s insane to me for me to say that I’m responsible for my brother’s death. That’s a stretch.
[00:30:10] But I, I definitely am the reason that he didn’t feel safe telling me what was going on. He still… That distance came back
[00:30:30] You know, like, was I, was I
[00:30:36] I wasn’t ever being a, a dick, you know? But, I guess I just he lived so much of his life when I just wasn’t around
[00:30:50] Didn’t even always see him when I came home
[00:30:55] And it wasn’t like we were in different states. It was like 40 minutes up the road
[00:31:04] What is that like? I haven’t– I’ve never had a big brother
[00:31:14] But I imagine it feels a little bit lonely when he just kinda drifts away
[00:31:20] I just, I, I
[00:31:24] I was delusional about the distance
[00:31:34] ‘ Cause I still thought it was, it was temporary, you know? We gonna be back talking and stuff after I
[00:31:46] Don’t have to remember that I can’t call my dad anymore
[00:31:53] But no, the truth was that, that distance might be long term
[00:32:01] I knew he was dealing with depression
[00:32:06] I think you might have also been dealing with shame
[00:32:11] But I don’t know for sure. He’s the only one who could tell me
[00:32:17] But this is the part where my brain is supposed to tell me, “But it’s over now. Forgive yourself
[00:32:26] Move on with your life
[00:32:31] Go through the phases. Get through the phases it’s ridiculous. The thought that Tonio is dead at 37 years old, that’s ridiculous to even say
[00:32:51] Really bad people
[00:32:54] They’ll have long lives
[00:32:58] I’m supposed to say at least he’s not suffering anymore
[00:33:05] I mean, that’s a f- that’s a fact what it did, but it has no effect on what I’m thinking, fixated on at the moment
[00:33:20] I was almost gonna blame the church for his depression. The church he didn’t go to. I was almost gonna blame, blame church, like Black churches as a, as a group.
[00:33:38] About itself
[00:33:41] Be positive. I don’t wanna pretend
[00:33:44] Tiring
[00:33:48] Pretending, performing
[00:33:54] It’s tiring
[00:33:58] in a way that I just don’t wanna do it
[00:34:01] This is such a bizarre… Like, it’s, it’s it almost changes the taste of the air when I think about how bizarre this en– the, the entire situation is
[00:34:21] I don’t wanna think the worst, but I just, I can’t of it. I can’t of it. There’s so much that’s just so wrong and off
[00:34:36] What if he wasn’t around people who loved him?
[00:34:43] And the moment he passed
[00:34:46] At least that was the last time he was around those kind of people